everyone remembers the morning before the one
i'm a pretty extroverted person, but have found that engaging with close friends that I don't live with right now actually makes me feel really, really shitty. maybe it's because i'm fixating on what the interaction can't be in this moment, maybe it's because i have nothing new to say? so by surprising necessity i've pretty much detached myself from everyone...even being on group zoom calls like this one makes me feel a little bit overwhelmed. instead i have this list taped to my wall that offers me a few dozen things of what i can do when my mind comes to a natural point of being at a loss of what to do...it's not a "to do" list, but more a list of temperature-takes to remind me of my options when i feel bored sad or scared. it's corny as hell but is helping me a lot. i also tend to use playlists as a journaling tool, like hyper-contextually or emotionally specific playlists, and i labor over a playlist until it feels "right," like i've nailed it, like i've created a convincing universe, then i close my eyes and listen...
i'll give some examples. say i'm feeling scared at home. i'll look at this corny little list and be like, what would feel better than whatever i'm doing right now? do i want to clean my room? stick my hand out the window? change my clothes? dance? close my eyes? practice an instrument? collage? eat a snack? there's no "should" and it's low pressure.
- I thought i only liked to exercise in a room full of people where someone would tell me what to do. now i know i also love moving like no one or anonymous people/anyone/everyone/no one are watching
- I learned I like having a lot of private space to try out different versions of myself
- I learned I am hungry for challenge and growth.
Three things I've learned in quarantine
we are all chimeras, theorized and fabricated hybrids of machine and organism
